Emotions

Hell. I am seventeen years old. There's probably a reason people say you're too young to know what love is. You think you do...but you really don't. For example, threeish years ago I was completely and totally head over heels in love with this boy named...shall we say James? He was soooo amazing and I loved him, I'd do anything for him, blah blah blah. You know how the story goes. Anyways...looking back (and even then, although I was in denial) I know/knew that he was DEFINITELY not the one (although I convinced myself he just HAD to be). He didn't love me and we only dated for about a month. It took me a year and a half to get my head on straight and see things clearly. I look back and want to kick myself for all of that. HOWEVER, let us continue. When I finally TRULY got over James, I found someone else. And HE is the man of my dreams..truly. But the thing is..I'm not sure if I'm the girl of my dreams. You know what I mean. The girl I envisioned WITH this perfect guy..I just don't feel the way she feels. I love him. Completely. I'm just not SURE if I'm IN love with him the way it REALLY means. Now sure, people get married and are happily married for their whole lives, and their spouse isn't truly "the one". So yeah...it's possible, but is that REALLY what I want? This guy we'll call Matt, made me doubt because I loved his personality and how he treated me. He called me on my sh*t and he'd fight for me. I want to be fought for and you, my love, don't seem to care enough to do that. You love me. I know that. It's obvious. But it's a little different, showing your love and caring. So all in all...do I REALLY TRULY love him? Does he REALLY TRULY love me? Or do we just THINK we do? Just like I was completely in love with James... Lord help me. Is it even worth the pain and struggle?

Love is. Love is not.

Do you believe two people can fall out of love? Does it wither and die over time? Or is love everlasting and all conquering? I don't know. I've always thought about what I wanted in a future husband; had him perfectly described, but then when i met him, when I really found it...well let's just say I thought if I found him, he'd be finding me and we would both be in mutual love. But I'm beginning to believe that saying that one person always loves more in a relationship. I desperately want to talk about it with him..but he'd let his emotions take over first, and he wouldn't hear another word. I want to take a break. NOT break up, but a break. Only problem is, I know he won't hear that. I need time to think...without him. I need to see if it's friends we're supposed to be, or is it more? I love him. I really do. But I'm just wondering if we wouldn't be the same...or close to it, as friends. I can't exactly pinpoint a reason for these feelings, but that doesn't mean they're not there. Sigh. I don't know..maybe I'm just not ready for a relationship. Maybe I've been fooling myself all along. It's like the only reason I don't break up with him is because I want to spend time with him...but that's what friends do too.. so I'm at a loss. I need help and I don't know what to do.

Fairytales.

Life. Hope. Both have wonderful connotations, true. But what was the ONE thing left in Pandora's box? Hope. Everyone expects life to be the wonderful thing, and as the saying goes "Life is what you make of it". But we are flawed humans. We automatically make mistakes. So if life is what we make of it, and we are constantly making mistakes...is life a mistake? Hope keeps us from death, but hope also never fails to let us down, making things seem even worse than they really are. Little girls are raised on fairytales. Biggest mistake ever. Don't teach these innocent and naive children that they will always live happily ever after and that their life will be all sunshine and daisies. It won't. You feed them all this false hope, and then you have the audacity to actually be SURPRISED when they go into a state of depression 15-16 years down the road. You're insane. Let's set one thing straight shall we? FAIRYTALES. DO. NOT. EXSIST. Providing these copious amounts of false hope to our youth is complete lunacy. When they come crying to you in their teens saying "Mommy, my heart is broken" (if they're still talking to you at that point), I want you to look at your little girl, smile, and say "Well of course it is honey. That is exactly what I knew would happen when I told you all that bullsh*t for so many years." I feel as though many of us would become realists if not fed the lies in our early years when we are so vulnerable. Less chance of getting hurt as easily, and a greater chance to think logically with a clear mind. Being realistic is highly underrated. Then, later on, when that same child is contemplating killing themselves, if they talk to ANYONE there is one standard answer. Can anyone guess what that may be? If not, you're an idiot. But anyways...let me enlighten you. That answer will of course be, "Everything will work out." "It will all get better" You know what I say? What a crock! Why lie? Yes, sometimes it will get better, and sometimes they will get that happy ending. But what happens MOST of the time? It doesn't get better. It never does. But because of hope, we simply view it differently. Our lives never really change. They never truly get better. It is merely our OUTLOOK on life that changes, giving the illusion that all is well. So maybe next time you go to read your little one a bedtime story, you should pass over Cinderella, and reach for The Brothers Grimm.

How Do You Know?

How do you know when life is actually worth it? Sure, it has its INCREDIBLE points... but then, more often then not, you mess it up. Is it worth causing such heartache and pain to, not only yourself, but the ones you love as well? Sure. So maybe they forgive you and see past your mistakes. What if YOU can't? Aren't they always saying something like "It doesn't matter what happens, as long as at the end of the day YOU are happy"? Well what if you're not? What if you can't get over it? If you can never forgive yourself for what you've done. So I may not be a killer or a thief, but I'm worse, in my opinion. There are things one can do and things one can cause that surpasses death. Its effect on others is SO great. Maybe the truth is overrated. I know it's made me feel even worse. At least before the truth, I could hide away and pretend it never happened. What ever happened to "the truth shall set you free"? Now, however, I must face it and the repercussions that it has caused. My life has, for the most part, been a fairytale, but only when viewed from the outside. I'm not one to complain and bitch and moan, quite the contrary actually. I keep things inside. Keep them hidden away so they can't hurt anyone else. But I need SOMETHING. Somewhere I can go to get it all out. This is my last resort. I've seen the effects of leaning on others for their help and it's just not worth it. I've finally found what I've wanted for my entire life, and what do you think happens? I screwed it up. I feel nothing anymore except shame and guilt. I'm nothing more than a walking corpse anymore. Sometimes I wish I hadn't lived a fairytale. Then maybe I wouldn't be so adventurous, thinking everything will work out in the end. It's just an illusion. Maybe nothing ever works out for people. And when it comes time that they've tried one too many times...that's when they die. Maybe death isn't the END. Maybe it's a solution. A new chapter. A saving grace.