Emotions

Hell. I am seventeen years old. There's probably a reason people say you're too young to know what love is. You think you do...but you really don't. For example, threeish years ago I was completely and totally head over heels in love with this boy named...shall we say James? He was soooo amazing and I loved him, I'd do anything for him, blah blah blah. You know how the story goes. Anyways...looking back (and even then, although I was in denial) I know/knew that he was DEFINITELY not the one (although I convinced myself he just HAD to be). He didn't love me and we only dated for about a month. It took me a year and a half to get my head on straight and see things clearly. I look back and want to kick myself for all of that. HOWEVER, let us continue. When I finally TRULY got over James, I found someone else. And HE is the man of my dreams..truly. But the thing is..I'm not sure if I'm the girl of my dreams. You know what I mean. The girl I envisioned WITH this perfect guy..I just don't feel the way she feels. I love him. Completely. I'm just not SURE if I'm IN love with him the way it REALLY means. Now sure, people get married and are happily married for their whole lives, and their spouse isn't truly "the one". So yeah...it's possible, but is that REALLY what I want? This guy we'll call Matt, made me doubt because I loved his personality and how he treated me. He called me on my sh*t and he'd fight for me. I want to be fought for and you, my love, don't seem to care enough to do that. You love me. I know that. It's obvious. But it's a little different, showing your love and caring. So all in all...do I REALLY TRULY love him? Does he REALLY TRULY love me? Or do we just THINK we do? Just like I was completely in love with James... Lord help me. Is it even worth the pain and struggle?

Love is. Love is not.

Do you believe two people can fall out of love? Does it wither and die over time? Or is love everlasting and all conquering? I don't know. I've always thought about what I wanted in a future husband; had him perfectly described, but then when i met him, when I really found it...well let's just say I thought if I found him, he'd be finding me and we would both be in mutual love. But I'm beginning to believe that saying that one person always loves more in a relationship. I desperately want to talk about it with him..but he'd let his emotions take over first, and he wouldn't hear another word. I want to take a break. NOT break up, but a break. Only problem is, I know he won't hear that. I need time to think...without him. I need to see if it's friends we're supposed to be, or is it more? I love him. I really do. But I'm just wondering if we wouldn't be the same...or close to it, as friends. I can't exactly pinpoint a reason for these feelings, but that doesn't mean they're not there. Sigh. I don't know..maybe I'm just not ready for a relationship. Maybe I've been fooling myself all along. It's like the only reason I don't break up with him is because I want to spend time with him...but that's what friends do too.. so I'm at a loss. I need help and I don't know what to do.